Once upon a time, a long, long, time ago, back in the first stage of division of labor, there lived a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear, and a Baby Bear. Theirs was a patriarchal family, with Papa Bear telling the Mama and Baby Bears what to do and reaping the greatest benefit from their labor. For instance, he had the biggest chair and the biggest bed. Mama Bear grumbled about the arrangement. "I have big bones too," she would often say. Baby Bear said little about the situation. He was often beaten senseless by his father who always demanded the strictest of discipline and had learned not to question his place in history.
One evening after a long day's labor the Bears sat down to supper. Papa Bear found it entirely unsatisfactory and ordered the family out of the house to find better food. The Bear family might have typified the first division of labor, except that the slavery within their family was definitely not latent.
While they were out a young brunette named Goldilocks came upon their house. She invited herself in because she was a very rude girl who had not been taught much in the way of manners. Once inside she ate their food, broke their chairs, and went to sleep in their beds.
When the Bears arrived home and discovered their vandal asleep in their beds they became furious and so moved on to the next stage of division of labor by enslaving Goldilocks.
But the arrangement didn't work out, what with Papa Bear and Goldilocks being different species and all. And so Papa Bear sold Goldilocks to a wealthy widow whose husband had died under mysterious circumstances for a small bag of beans which have a completely different story of their own.
The evil woman renamed Goldilocks as Cinderella, just to antagonize her. Cinderella was forced to toil night and day, day and night, and every fourth Tuesday for her evil step-mother and her gaggle of gangly daughters. While Cinderella scrubbed floors, her step-sisters were busy with facial scrubs. Meanwhile her step-mother was pre-occupied with her 12-step program for workaholics. "'Tis true," she would often bemoan, obviously well-past the initial stage of denial. "I am a workaholic. I just can't stop watching other people work." After all, it was her addiction that had compelled her to purchase Cinderella in the first place.
One night Cinderella wandered into the salon where her step-sisters were preparing for a night on the town. Perhaps wandered isn't the correct word. She was actually yanked into the room by her chain-link leash and commanded to lick the shoes of her step-sisters clean since they were in desperate need of a spit and polish.
Cinderella wanted to ask her sisters where they were going but she couldn't because they had cut out her larynx so she couldn't call out for help. Fortunately they had only removed one of her ears so she was able to overhear their plans to attend the ball at the neighborhood palace.
When the sisters were to climb into their carriage Cinderella assumed her standard pose on all fours for her sisters to use her back as a step-ladder. But then in an unfortunate accident her leash became caught on the carriage and she was dragged along until they reached the ball.
As Cinderella laid there, stunned by her journey, a tall, dark stranger came over to free her from her entanglement. He fell instantly in love with her, though no one really understands why. As he went to kiss her lips Cinderella pushed him away. "I must return home!" she cried silently. "I left the iron on!" she exclaimed, completely oblivious to the fact that such technology could not have been developed under the ancient division of labor.
And so she jumped up into the carriage and rode off, but in her haste she left behind her glass slipper. Well, actually it wasn't really a glass slipper as much as it was an ordinary slipper with shards of glass caught in it. Nevertheless, the stranger, who happened to have been a prince, declared that he would search high and low to find the woman who fit that slipper. His comrade at arms told him he should get a life. "And so I shall make her my bride!" the prince declared since he had obviously misunderstood. Just then the sisters came out looking for their carriage. "Where did our van go? they wondered, but then they remembered their one-eared step-sister. She must have stolen it, they decided.
Back at home Cinderella was forced to work even harder than ever as punishment. But soon there came a knock at the door. It was the prince, and with him the slipper. He forced his way in and made all the occupants try on the shoe. How happy he was when he discovered the scars on Cinderella's feet matched the shards of glass. "I am going to marry this woman!" he declared and swept her up into his arms and carried her out of the house before anyone could do anything.
Their marriage was feudal. In return for her husband's protection from her evil step-family, Cinderella always had to make time to satisfy his fetishes. Some of these fetishes proved to be fruitful and they had a large family. Those children then had more children including one who always wore blue. She was named Little Red Riding Hood.
One day Little Red Riding Hood set out to visit her grandmother Cinderella, formerly known as Goldilocks. In her old age she had become unable to satisfy her husband's urges and so he had her placed in a rest home. Upon Little Red Riding Hood's arrival at the home, she noticed that something was afoot. Then she suddenly remembered that 12 inches made a foot and went inside her grandmother's room. Not being a daft little girl, she noticed immediately that where her grandmother should have been a wolf was lying instead. Nevertheless, the wolf insisted on playing a coy little game that involved her marveling over the size of his body parts. But when the wolf threatened to eat her like he had her grandmother, Little Red Riding Hood had had enough.
"So much for feudalism," she thought. "A lot of good the protection is doing. That wolf ate my grandmother." Little Red Riding Hood was more than a little miffed by the wolf's choice of diet. She had been fond of her grandmother. Ah, the fun they had exchanging jewelry. Her grandmother, having only one ear, would give the other in the pair to Little Red Riding Hood which fit nicely into her various body-pierces.
And so on the ruins of feudalism she took her basket of goodies to the nearby town and went into business. Meanwhile, the wolf, fueled by his recent feast, also ventured into capitalism. He prowled the forest exploiting forest creatures. One day he came upon an impoverished little pig. Woe was his lot in life, not even being able to afford a hut made of straw. The wolf offered him a chance to make some money by rounding up some of the other forest creatures for the wolf's lunch. This the pig gladly did, though his name became despised throughout the forest. When the pig had finally earned enough to build his hut of straw, the wolf blew it down ate him.
Soon the wolf came upon another pig on the dole. He has halfway in the middle of constructing his house of sticks when he ran out of money. The wolf gave him the same job as he had the other pig. But when the pig had finally earned enough money to build his house of sticks, the wolf blew it down and ate him too.
Then the wolf came upon another pig, but this one had a little money in the bank from being a skilled bricklayer. He had just completed building his house of bricks when the wolf came by. Knowing that the pig was sure to be short on cash, he offered the pig the same lifetime employment. But the pig refused. Angered by the insolence, the wolf threatened to blow his house down. Still, the pig was steadfast and the house stayed up. Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood, though by now a successful capitalist, came by to show her solidarity. Though she had not been bothered by the anarchy in the market - she actually had enjoyed it - she empathized with the pig for she was obviously no fan of the wolf. The two then carefully planned their strategy. They lured the wolf up to the roof where upon he fell down the chimney into a pot of boiling water.
The little pig and Little Red Riding Hood were successful in their revolt against the appropriation of the capitalist wolf. Following their victory, they resolved to unite the forest creatures under the umbrella of a social plan. Unfortunately for the little pig, his comrade Little Red Riding Hood was nothing less than a self-serving individual who had a weakness for bacon.