Crack Ho: yes they were so gross that i was compelled to go up to the stage and vomit on the guest speaker. i don't know if he appreciated it, but i left before he could protest

H: ha. wait, I thought you wanted to, not you did do it. God, he must have felt mighty offended. Poor guy, maybe his mother dresses him in the morning.

C: no, he just has absolutely no taste whatsoever in clothing. perhaps i'm being a bit demanding... after all, i am a model and all.

H: I know you are a model.That's why I hold you in uttermost respect. Where do you pick your clothes?

C: hey babe i don't pick my clothes; they pick me. they're just naturally attracted to my fabulous persona. how can they resist. i just find it so wonderful that i don't know what to say because this is going nowhere fast...

H: you are a mighty conceited little fucker, aren't you? Well well well... I don't know what to say either, in the face of your magnificent bodily beauty, I really have no voice... I'm sorry if I can't meet up to your standards... and with your bod., why do you even bother wearing clothing anyway?

C: i detect that you are only cloaking your jealousy with an air of humility. don't even try because i can see right through you. i am the king.

H: oh, and you got a sex change too? custom made? who picked it for you, or did this little sausage also come to you naturally, because of your persona?

C: no that did not come to me naturally. i was made, yes, through the grace of jesus christ, my lord and saviour the persona you see before you today. if only you believed too. jesus can make you a star, just like me. i hear he's really popular in hollywood circles.

H: So, did jesus get a sex change too? Was he a female in a previous life, was he a human? was he alive? was he a piece of liver?

C: well whatever he was, he sure had one long mane of hair. this may not seem unusual to you now, in this modern century, but in his day,...well let me just say, none of his disciples had long hair. you judge for yourself the implications...

H: he was thirsty? hairy liver? I don't know... a liver with long blonde hair really isn't appetizing. when you were born again, did you have nail marks in your feet and palms? Did you have an extra penis?

C: i tend to disagree with you on that point. i find that blonde-haired livers can be quite attractive, of course, this is assuming they've had a session with marco, hairdresser to the stars. but as for the extra penis.. i cannot disclose the source of that. lance woud get mad.

H: marco... if you don't taste good, we don't look good.

C: yes, i think you are correct. tasting good is hardly enough to qualify one for sexyhood, you have to be long and hard as well. do you understand? it's not as easy as it looks. and i resent all who try to slander me by saying i was just born with these, um, endowments.

H: is there some kind of work shop to get long and hard and tasty? I mean, you can always get seasoning, but as far as hard... I guess you would need some sort of exercise... genitalia barbells?

C: no no no! that is too dangerous! it could cause serious injury - tears ruptures, breakage...all sorts of unspeakable damage. better yet, as i mentioned before, if you want to be as blessed as i am, there is but one alternative (well maybe two)- marco or my lord and saviour, jesus christ. who says praying is futile? god hears and let me tell you now, i know he answers.

H: Is he good in bed?

C: i don't know ask mary.

H: wait a minute... I thought she never had sex.. although with god, one would never notice... SO. I can get one too in this way? Would it be invisible, like god's, or long and hard like yours? Could it be custom made? Do we get a free little leather pouch to put it in when it¹s not in usage? Is it detachable?

C: silly girl, you've been reading the NEA approved version of the bible. of course she had sex. she's human is'¹t she. just very private, and i think we should respect that. as far as the detachibility of the unitage, you'll have to go ask mary

H: Is marco god anyway? Who is this guy? Is he near me, and is he smeared?

C: yes indeed! you have hit it right on the head! he is living inside of all of us - you just haveto learn to get in touch with him. like i have.

H: to touch him did you say? I thought this was an inner child sort of thing, and now I realize that it's porno? I'm deeply offended. Here I was waiting to get into a meaningful relationship with this wonderful Marco dude, and i find out that not only he's inside of me, but I got to masturbate to reach him? This is definitely anticonstitutional.

C: hey now, who ever said inner children and pornography were mutually exclusive. they are rather compatible, you know. or if you don't know, get to know. you'll find out all sorts of things you never even dreamt about before....no you've got it all wrong. masturbation is not the answer. jesus christ, my lord and saviour, is. i don't know how that point could have been entirely lost on you.

H: lord and saviour, huh? well, considering your frame of mind, what did he do to achieve this status with you, little kinky queen? And what sex is your inner child anyway?

C: my inner child is sexless and innocent. i do not appreciate your attempts to harm it. its a very very sensitive thing you know. not to be messed around with. but....if you do feel a need to mess around, let me offer you this one name: jesus christ, my lord and saviour.

H: and to think that you completely neglected to acknowledge the influence that the king of rock'n'roll, elvis, has had on your sex change. How can you make up for such an obvious blunder? And is his long and hard and tasty, and detachable (and hairy, but you might not know that...)?

C: well i'll be. again i find myself being deeply offended by your slashing of the king's name. for me he is the sacred cow. well he was big, you know.

H: what, no mention of jesus christ, your lord and saviour?

C: well now that you have brought up the subject of jesus christ, my lord and saviour, as well as elvis in the same breath (the gall!) i guess i feel compelled to answer. he is the same person. i know this may sound hard to believe, and very hard to swallow, just know that i am speaking the truth. honest to jesus christ, my lord and saviour.

H: gosh darnit to hell.. and all this time I'd been hoping for a little ménage à trois between you, jesus and elvis... imagine the fantasy... what would the setting be like? and the music? rock'n'roll, or rather some medieval folk music to put jesus, your lord and saviour, in the mood? And I'm sick of him. Take him and shove him up your ass... well, if you do, be sure to tell me about it.

C: in response to your disappointment at not having the three-way fantasy take place, you have clearly forgotten the *other* third party... Marco! he stands there in the mist, an alluring and seductive creature, ready, willing, and able as hell. don't forget him, or he will get mad and will have to resort to various chains, straps, handcuffs,etc, to bring you back into line. jesus christ, my lord and saviour, is too big to shove up my ass. you'll have to offer another alternative.

H: Corn?