How To Make An Impact On A Man
WITH BEAUTY? NOT NECESSARILY. BRAINS? THEY GET DISCOVERED LATER.
ANSWER: SECRET (SEXYISH) SIGNALS. YOU CAN DO IT TOO!
from Cosmopolitan magazine
What to Wear
If your style of dress is cool and conservative, change it -- at
least for out-of-the-office situations. Wear body-hugging styles,
lots of jewelry, vivid eye makeup and lipstick. A lush style is a
sexual signaler. [So is a neon sign] When you go to parties, pin a
fresh flower in your hair. That's how South Sea island girls signal
their availability. [That's also how they disguise cockatoo
droppings, but that's another story.] Buy and wear tons of animal
prints -- leopard-patterned pants, tiger-striped tops. You'll look
feral. [For even more of a feral effect, speak in guttoral sounds,
don't bathe for months, and relieve yourself as you please.] If you
have good legs, wear a very tight short skirt and very high heels.
Bend over with your back to a man (to pick something up or look in
file drawer, etc.). Leave the two middle buttons of your
button-up-the-back blouse undone and ask him to please do you up.
He'll see that you're wearing a skimpy black bra or no bra at all.
Let him know that you never wear underwear -- too confining.
[Nothing can hold back those 500 pounds comfortably anyway.] Keep
your hair long and lush. Ignore women friends who tell you short is
chic. Men like an abundance of tresses. [Especially under the
arms.] Always wear perfume. Find a scent that works for you and
spray it on pulse points when you dress. [Lysol is an aphrodisiac.]
Spritz a little now and then during the day. If you look good in a
hat, wear one. Men love hats. [Especially welding masks.] Wear a
fresh flower in the lapel of your conservative suit. [Conservative
meaning leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops.] Show plenty
of back -- everybody knows your bosom is sexy, but a frock cut to
the waist in back also has appeal. Learn to roll you shoulders
elegantly. [Cracking knuckles also does the trick.] Wear angora,
and if you have the chance, why not casually brush against his bare
skin? [Especially when the senator gets out of the shower.] Red is a
very sexy color -- as in red-hot. A slinky red dress would do it.
[Dressing in a red Slinky would do it too.] Or try something a
little more subtle: [Like coming to work in Saran Wrap and saying,
"Hello there, sailor boy."] Wear gorgeous red underwear, and show it
"accidentally" -- your blouse is open a bit, so a man sees a peek of
red lace bra ... You cross your legs and your skirt rides up to
reveal a flash of red petticoat. [Also great training for bull
fighters] Every woman seriously interested in attracting men should
invest in a short black leather skirt and wear it with heels.
[Perfect for funerals.] You won't need an outrageous, sexy top, the
heels and leather say it all. [So does Budweiser.] Apply lipstick
expertly, seductively, suggestively. [And in the dark.]
Sexy Behavior
Catch a man's eye and then very deliberately look down at his
crotch. This should be done with a playful look or smile [laughter
helps], not as though you're about to put him through a meat
grinder. He should feel deliciously flattered, not attacked.
Immediately after you meet him -- within seconds -- touch him in
some way, even if it's just to pick off imaginary lint. [Guys love
women who pick at imaginary lint.] It tells him right away that
you're physically aware of and interested in him. [And that you're
feeling much better since your therapist committed suicide.] You
can't be too sexy a dancer. Swing those hips and shake. [There's
nothing more exciting to a man than watching a woman with hip
dysplacia.] Run your fingers lightly over the man's knuckles. It
will send sexy shivers up and down all around him. [Sending his
cellmates in a tizzy.] Feel his muscles. Order an unordinary drink,
like a kin or Compari and soda. [Ordering a WD-40 mixer will also
appeal to his interest in home improvement.] Cross and uncross your
legs a lot. As you do, slide them up and down a bit so he hears,
very faintly, the sexy sound of nylon aganst nylon. [If he's hard of
hearing, you may want to consider wearing burlap.] Try to act calm,
even if you aren't; nothing is more appealing than a person with
whom you feel relaxed. [Belch whenever possible to prove that
effect.] Kick off your shoes so he can see your lovely feet [making
sure to avoid hitting him with your footwear] -- lots of men have
foot fetishes. Give the man a warm good-bye kiss (on the cheek)
eventhough you've just met. [Then slip him the tongue.] Kiss
everyone -- even the women -- goodnight. European girls always do.
[European girls also don't use deodorant and have hairy armpits, so
follow their example.]
Talk Him Into Your Life
Just after meeting a man, suggest that you find a table or quiet
corner so that you can chat without distractions. [Distractions like
your leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops.] Ask him if
he's ever considered being a model -- especially effective if the
man isn't handsome. [Even more effective if he's a headless corpse.]
Talk sexy -- or at least suggestive! ["Your shopping cart or mine?"]
Whisper that you heard the most flattering comment about him (make
something up), but say you can't possibly divulge the source. [i.e.,
your ass] Though you know him only casually, tell him you had a
dream about him last night. Hint that it was wicked. [And the blood
tests went off the scale.] Say something slightly inappropriate
during business lunch or dinner, such as "You look great in blue."
[Or "You look like my mom."] This should be done while you are
talking about something else -- for example, " I was working on the
Apex campaign, and did you know you look great in blue?" ["I was
taking out the trash last night, and my how ravishingly you smell."]
We don't know why, but men love this kind of thing. Tell a very,
very funny joke (practice!) within his hearing. This takes research
and perhaps a few rehearsals. A genuinely funny, entertaining woman
[in leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops] is a turn-on [if
you have a thing for Peg Bundy]; the man figures he'll never be
bored. Become a sports fanatic -- even if you loathe baseball and
football. Become mistress of scads of sports data [I think I saw her
once walking the streets in fishnet stockings outside Reno], and
fake a passion that's bound to turn men on. [May as well start
learning to fake early.]
Go for It!
Drop your purse, a pile of papers, anything, as you pass his desk,
then stoop down to gather it up. He'll help. Lean close to him, put
your hand on his shoulder to steady your balance. [Only then do you
plunge a knife into his chest.] Spill a glass of wine (water,
whatever) down the front of your dress while talking to him. Ask for
his handkerchief to mop it up. [If this doesn't attract his
attention, set yourself on fire.] Share your umbrella with a man who
forgot his. Brush up against somebody in the elevator, in a
restaurant, on the street. [ ANYBODY -- even those rancid guys who
sleep in the park and yell out loud about voodoo economics at 3AM.]
He may act as if he doesn't notice, but he'll love it. Send a
bottle of wine to his table. [Preferrably Leonardo da Vino.] One
woman, not knowing how to meet an attractive man she had spotted in
a bar, handed him a note with her phone number that said, "I like
your shoes. Call me." The phone was ringing when she got home. [Her
dream date worked for Florsheim.]