Are you Dead?

ARE YOU DEAD? (a quiz)

1. That hunky guy you've been lusting after for weeks suddenly calls you and asks you out. You:

a. Jump up and down with excitement and shout "YES!"
b. Just lie there.
c. Ask him what size underwear he's wearing.

2. While on the bus, that girl who started a vicious rumor about you and the school janitor sits right next to you. You say...

a. "I really didn't appreciate your immature prank."
b. Don't talk to her. Just sort of slump over, minding your own business.
c. "That janitor maybe be fat and ugly, but he gives great head."

3. While working hard on your big project, the boss comes over and gives you a suggestive shoulder rub. You:

a. Resent this mild form of sexual harassment, and tell her/him so.
b. Fall face-down on your desk.
c. Bite her/his hand really hard.

4. While undressing, you pause to check out your naked body in the mirror. You see that:

a. Although you'd like to trim away some excess fat on your thighs, you're looking pretty healthy these days.
b. Your skin has turned a pale shade of blue as of late, and it seems like your whole body has stiffened considerably.
c. You've got a wooden leg!

5. There's a long weekend approaching. You're most likely to spend your time at:

a. The mall.
b. The morgue.
c. Midget-bowling.

6. Your friends are most likely to describe you as: [check all that apply]

a. Charming.
b. A "worry-wart".
c. Very quiet.
d. Self-replicating.
e. Class clown.
f. Room temperature.
g. Adventuresome.
h. "In a better place."
i. Shy.
j. Maggot-infested.

7. Your significant other forgets your anniversary for the third year in a row. To let him know how you feel about this, you:

a. Dump his ass, pronto.
b. Continue decomposing.
c. Shoot him in the foot.

8. You realize that you're trapped in some sort of long wooden box. You:

a. Use your cell-phone. Call for help.
b. Don't panic. You're used to this.
c. Urinate until you've filled the box with liquid, then swim away to freedom.

9. While at the mall with your buds, your right arm falls off. To avoid a scene, you:

a. Laugh nervously, pick up your fallen appendage, and head for the ladies room.
b. Collapse.
c. Laugh hysterically, sneeze, belch, pass gas, dry heave, and then break down and have a good cry.

10. Your "monthly visitor" is several weeks late. What do you do?

a. Buy seven home-pregnancy tests. Use one. Eat the rest.
b. Lie motionless for several years. See what happens.
c. Bring about your own crotchal bleeding.

11. While on a hospital bed, a super-hot doctor tells others to clear away from you. Next thing you know, a gazillion volts of electricity are flowing through you as he presses down on your chest. So you:

a. Bolt up into a sitting position and gasp for air.
b. Pretend to ignore his flirtatious gesture -- play hard-to-resuscitate.
c. Belch, fart, sneeze, dry heave, and then kick the doctor square in the knees.

12. What is your approximate pulse?

a. 110/90
b. 0/0
c. 14.7²

SCORING:

1. a-0, b-3, c-0;
2. a-0, b-3, c-0;
3. a-0, b-3, c-0;
4. a-0, b-3, c-1;
5. a-1, b-3, c-0;
6. a-0, b-0, c-1, d-0, e-0, f-2, g-0, h-2, i-0, j-3;
7. a-0, b-3, c-0;
8. a-0, b-2, c-2;
9. a-0, b-2, c-0;
10. a-1, b-2, c-1;
11. a-0, b-3, c-0;
12. a-0, b-3, c-1;

RESULTS:

0-15 points: "ALIVE AND KICKING"
Although like most individuals, you do lie relatively motionless for a third of your life, you are no corpse. It's likely that you've never been in a prolonged coma or sustained a massive head trauma. Good for you! Keep breathing, but remember that death does offer some advantage over life -- like no more rejection!

15-30 points: "LIVING ON THE EDGE"
Though not dead yet, you probably should be. Your tendency to remain motionless in public has probably earned you a reputation as a "stiff". Look for work as a mannequin or a cadaver. There are some advantages to having seen both sides of the coin, but it's not always best to straddle the fence -- or slump over it.

30-45 points: "BOUGHT THE FARM"
It's a wonder you took this quiz at all. Congrats! Although no longer living, you've managed to somehow continue your meaningless existence by taking this quiz. Perhaps one day the progress of technology will allow you to be brought back to the world of the living. But I doubt it.

Lila Tene , lolly@csua.berkeley.edu