Pinyin-annotated version of this page
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| That night I didn't leave. Chen Qingyang pulled me back and asked me to stay in the name of the great friendship. She admitted that she was wrong to hit me and didn't treat me right. She said, however, that my great friendship was fake, something I invented to study her structure. I said, "If I'm fake, why do you believe me?" I did want to study her structure a little, but only with her permission. If she didn't care for it, all she had to do was say it. It wasn't right to use her hands. Later she laughed about it a long time. She said she simply couldn't see my thing. So stupid was it that it shrank from shame. When she saw it, she couldn't help but get angry. | 那天晚上我没走掉。陈清扬把我拽住，以伟大友谊的名义叫我留下来。她承认打我不对，也承认没有好好待我，但是她说我的伟大友谊是假的，还说，我把她骗出来就是想研究她的结构。我说，既然我是假的，你信我干嘛。我是想研究一下她的结构，这也是在她的许可之下。假如不乐意可以早说，动手就打不够意思。后来她哈哈大笑了一阵说，她简直见不得我身上那个东西。那东西傻头傻脑，恬不知耻，见了它，她就不禁怒从心起。 |
| While we were arguing, we still were completely naked. My little monk remained erect. Wrapped up, it sparkled under the moonlight. I wasn't happy with what she said, and she sensed it. She therefore adopted a more conciliatory tone, "Anyway, isn't this the ugliest thing you've ever seen? Don't you agree?" | 我们俩吵架时，仍然是不着一丝。我的小和尚依然直挺挺，在月光下披了一身塑料，倒是闪闪发光。我听了这话不高兴，她也发现了。于是她用和解的口气说：不管怎么说，这东西丑得要命，你承不承认。 |
| I agree that the thing wasn't so great-looking, standing there like an angry cobra. "Since you don't want to see him, let's forget about it," I answered. I wanted to put on my pants. She said, "Don't." So I lit a cigarette and started smoking. She embraced me when I finished. Then we did it lying on the grass. | 这东西好像个发怒的眼镜蛇一样立在那里，是不大好看。我说，既然你不愿意见它，那就算了。我想穿上裤子，她又说，别这样。于是我抽起烟来。等我抽完了一支咽，她抱住我。我们俩在草地上干那件事。 |
| Before my twenty-first birthday, I was a boy. The night I lured Chen Qingyang up the mountain, the moon was out at first, then it disappeared and the night sky was filled with stars, as many as the morning dew drops. There was no wind, and it was absolutely silent on the mountain. I had already made love to Chen and was no longer a boy. But I wasn't happy at all, because she didn't make any sound when I was doing it. Instead, she rested her head on her folded arms and looked at me as if deep in thought. It was a solo performance for me from beginning to end. Actually, I didn't hold out for long, either. I was both angry and depressed when I finished. | 我过二十一岁生日以前，是一个童男子。那天晚上我引诱陈清扬和我到山上去，那一夜开头有月光，后来月亮落下去，出来一天的星星，就像早上的露水一样多。那天晚上没有风，山上静得很。我已经和陈清扬做过爱，不再是童男子了。但是我一点也不高兴。因为我干那事时，她一声也不吭，头枕双臂，若有所思地看着我，所以从始至终就是我一个人在表演。其实我也没持续多久，马上就完了。事毕我既愤怒又沮丧。 |
| Chen Qingyang said she couldn't believe it had actually happened, that I had actually displayed the ugly male organ in front of her and didn't feel any shame. The thing didn't feel any shame, either, and pushed stiffly between her legs. Because a woman has a hole, a man wants to use her. It makes no sense, really. Previously she had had a husband, who did it to her every day. She had always kept quiet and waited for the day when he would feel ashamed of himself and explain why he was doing what he was doing. But he didn't say anything, even after he went to jail. I didn't like talking about it, either. So I said, "If you didn't want it, why did you agree?" She said she didn't want people to think she was stingy. I said she was born stingy. She said, "Let's forget about it. Let's not fight over this." She asked me to come back that night and let's try it again. Maybe she would like it. I didn't say anything. Once the morning fog lifted, I said goodbye and went down to mountain to herd my cattles. | 陈清扬说，她简直不敢相信这件事是真的：我居然在她面前亮出了丑恶的男性生殖器，丝毫不感到惭愧。那玩艺也不感到惭愧，直挺挺地从她两腿之间插了进来。因为女孩子身上有这么个口子，男人就要使用她，这简直没有道理。以前她有个丈夫，天天对她做这件事。她一直不说话，等着他有一天自己感到惭愧，自己来解释为什么干了这些。可是他什么也没说，直到进了监狱。这话我也不爱听。所以我说：既然你不乐意，为什么要答应。她说她不愿被人看成小器鬼。我说你原本就是小器鬼。后来她说算了别为这事吵架。她叫我晚上再来这里，我们再试一遍。也许她会喜欢。我什么也没说。早上起雾以后，我和她分了手，下山去放牛。 |
| That night, I didn't see her, but instead landed in the hospital. Here is what happened. In the morning when I arrived at the corral, a group of people had already gotten tired of waiting for me and started pulling the cattles out. Everyone wanted a bull to plough their fields. A local guy, called "San Men Er," was in the middle of pulling a large white cow out. I walked over and told him that this cattle was bitten by a poisonous snake and couldn't work. He acted like he didn't hear me. I ripped the cattle rope out of his hands. He swung at me. Luckily I pushed him in time [????], and he fell on his ass. Many people rush over and encircled us, calling for a fight. The guys from Beijing were on one side, the local guys on another. Everyone picked up sticks and belts. After some yelling back and forth, they decided not to fight but instead called on San Men Er and me to wrestle. San Men Er couldn't out-wrestle me and started with his fist. So I kicked him and knocked him into the manure pit, getting him soaked completely soaked with cow manure. San Men Er got up and grabbed a wrench [???] out of someone's hand to bash me, but someone talked him out of it. | 那天晚上我没去找她，倒进了医院。这事原委是这样：早上我到牛圈门前时，有一伙人等不及我，已经在开圈拉牛。大家都挑壮牛去犁田。有个本地小伙子，叫三闷儿，正在拉一条大白牛。我走过去，告诉他，这牛被毒蛇咬了，不能干活。他似乎没听见。我劈手把牛鼻绳夺了下来，他就朝我挥了一巴掌。亏我当胸推了他一把，推了他一个屁股墩。然后很多人拥了上来，把我们拥在中间要打架。北京知青一伙，当地青年一伙，抄起了棍捧和皮带。吵了一会儿，又说不打架，让我和三闷儿摔跤，三闷儿摔不过我，就动了拳头。我一脚把三闷儿踢进了圈前的粪坑，让他沾了一身牛屎。三闷儿爬起来，抢了一把三齿要砍我，别人劝开了。 |
| That's what happened in the morning. When I came back in the evening from herding the cattles, the team leader said I had beaten up an impoverished peasant and that he was going to hold a struggle session against me. I said, "You're using it as an excuse to get me. I don't go down that easily." I added that I was going to get people together for a big brawl. The teamer leader said he wasn't trying to get me, but that San Men Er's mom was making such a racket, he didn't know what else to do. The mom was a widow and particularly ferocious. He said those were the rules around here. Later he said that it wasn't going to be a struggle session, but a help session, and asked that I go in front of everyone to review my actions. If I didn't agree, he'll ask the widow to come look for me. | 早上的事情就是这样。晚上我放牛回来，队长说我殴打贫下中农，要开我的斗争会。我说你想借机整人，我也不是好惹的。我还说要聚众打群架。队长说他没想整我，是三闷儿的娘闹得他没办法。那婆娘是个寡妇，泼得厉害。他说此地的规矩就是这样。后来他说，不开斗争会，改为帮助会，让我上前面去检讨一下。要是我还不肯，就让寡妇来找我。 |
| The meeting was chaotic. The locals are chimed in, saying the city kids were out of line, stealing chickens, grabbing dogs, and even hitting people. The city kids said "Bullshit! Who stole stuff? Did you catch anyone? We are here to help the development of the border areas. We aren't some exiled convicts. We're not going to let you frame us so easily." Standing in the front, I didn't self-review, either, but instead cussed at the locals. I didn't see San Men Er's mom sneaking up behind me, grabbing a stool and swiing it at my back. It smashed me exactly where I had my old injuries. Immedately, I fell flat on my back. | 会开得很乱。老乡们七嘴八舌，说知青太不像话，偷鸡摸狗还打人。知青们说放狗屁，谁偷东西，你们当场拿住了吗？老子们是来支援边疆建设，又不是充军的犯人，哪能容你们乱栽赃。我在前面也不检讨，只是骂。不提防三闷儿的娘从后面摸上来，抄起一条沉甸甸的拔秧凳，给了我后腰一下，正砸在我的旧伤上，登时我就背过去了。 |
| When I woke up, Luo Xiaosi brought a bunch of guys, screaming that they were going to set the corral on fire and going to get San Men Er's mom. The team leader led a group to stop them. The vice team leader told people to lift me onto the cattle cart to take me to the hospital. The nurse said, "No, don't lift him! His spine is broken. You'll kill him if you lift him." I said, "It doesn't feel like my spine's broken. Hurry up and get me out of here!" But nobody dared to test whether or not my spine was broken and therefore nobody was willing to test whether lifting me would kill me. So I laid on the ground for a long time. Later the team leader came to investigate and said immediately, "Hurry up and call Chen Qingyang over here. Get her to see if his back is broken." Not too long after, Chen came in running, her hair dishevelled and eyes red. Her first words were to me, "Don't be afraid. If you're paralyzed, I'll take care for the rest of your life." Once she examined me, her diagnosis was same as mine. So I got on the cattle cart and left for the main hospital. | 我醒过来时，罗小四领了一伙人呐喊着要放火烧牛圈，还说要三闷儿的娘抵命。队长领了一帮人去制止，副队长叫人抬我上牛车去医院。卫生员说抬不得，腰杆断了，一抬就死。我说腰杆好像没断，你们快把我括走。可是谁也不敢肯定我的腰杆是断了还是没断。所以也不敢肯定我会不会一抬就死。我就一直躺着。后来队长过来一问，就说：快摇电话把陈清扬叫下来，让她看看腰断了没有。过了不一会儿，陈清扬披头散发眼皮红肿地跑了来，劈头第一一句话就是：你别怕。要是你瘫了，我照顾你一辈子。然后一检查，诊断和我自己的相同。于是我就坐上牛车，到总场医院去看病。 |
| That night Chen Qingyang took me to the hospital and didn't leave until my x-ray film was developed and it was determined that there was no problem. She said she would return to see me in one or two days, but she didn't come. After I had stayed in the hospital for a week, I could walk again and so went back looking for her. When I entered her clinic, I carried in a big basket on my back. Its content protruded from the basket. Aside from a pot, bowls, plates, and spoons, there was also enough food to last two people for a month. When she saw me come in, she smiled weakly and said, "How are you? Where are you taking these things?" | 那无夜里陈清扬把我送到医院，一直等到腰部Ｘ光片子出来，看过认为没问题后才走。她说过一两天就来看我，可是一直没来。我住了一个星期，可以走动了，就奔回去找她。我走进陈清扬的医务室时，身上背了很多东西，装得背篓里冒了尖。除了锅碗盆瓢，还有足够两人吃一个月的东西。她见我进来，淡淡地一笑，说你好了吗？带这些东西上哪儿？ |
| I said I was going to a nearby hotspring. She lied back lazily in her chair and said, "That's great. Hotspring can heal old injuries." I said, "No, I'm not really going to the hotspring. I'm going up to the mountain in the back to live a few days." She said there was nothing up in the mountain, that I should go to the hotspring. | 我说要去清平洗温泉。她懒懒地往椅子上一仰说，这很好。温泉可以治旧伤。我说我不是真去洗温泉，而是到后面山上住几天。她说后面山上什么都没有，还是去洗温泉吧。 |
| The hotspring I mentioned was really just a dirt pit in a cove in a mountain, surrounded by weeds. Some patients had built a shack up on the hillside and lived there year round. All sorts of illnesses were represented here. If I had gone there, not only would I not be cured, but I might even catch something. In a low-lying part of the barren hills in the back, in the midst of some scattered trees, was a lush grassy area, without any apparent trace of previous human activity. I built a grass hut here. With no one around and the sound of flowing water and falling leaves to break the silence, it was a good place for me to rehabilate my body and regain my sexual energy. When Chen Qingyang heard this, she couldn't hold her laughter. "How do you get to this place?" she asked, "Maybe I'll visit you there." I told her the directions and even sketched her a map. Afterwards, I went up the mountain myself. | 清平的温泉是山凹望一片泥坑，周围全是荒草坡。有一些病人在山坡上搭了窝棚，成年住在那里，其中得什么病的都有。我到那里不但治不好病，还可能染上麻疯。而后面荒山里的低洼处沟谷纵横，疏林之中芳草离离，我在人迹绝无的地方造了一间草房，空山无人，流水落花，住在里面可以修身养性。陈清扬听了，禁不住一笑说：那地方怎么走？也许我去看看你。我告诉她路，还画了一张示意图，自己进山去了。 |
| I went into the barren hills, but Chen Qingyang didn't come to see me. The fierce wind of the dry season blew non-stop, shaking my grass hut. Sitting in a chair, listening to the wind, Chen thought about the events of the recent past and started to have doubts about everything. She had difficulty believing that she could have come to this extremely desolate place for apparent reason, then be called a tramp without any basis, then actually started doing what a tramp would do. It was hard to believe what had happened. | 我走进荒山，陈清扬没有去看我。旱季里浩浩荡荡的风刮个不停，整个草房都在晃动。陈清扬坐在椅子上听着风声，回想起以往发生的事情，对一切都起了怀疑。她很难相信自己会莫名其妙地来到这极荒凉的地方，又无端地被人称作破鞋，然后就真的搞起了破鞋。这件事真叫人难以置信。 |
| Chen Qingyang said, sometimes she went outside, looked into the mountain in the back, and saw the many meandering trails leading into its depth[???]. She almost could hear what I had said to her. She knew that if she followed a trail up the hill, she would find me. There was no doubt about it, but the less doubt there is about something, the more it is worth doubting. Most likely, the trail led to nowhere. Most likely, Wang Er wasn't up in the mountain. Most likely, Wang Er didn't exist at all.
After a few days, Luo Xiaosi took a few men to the hospital to look for me. Nobody in the hospital had heard of Wang Er, let alone knew where he went. At that time, there was a hepatitis epidemic in the hospital. All patients without hepatitis were told to go home to recuperate. The doctors also went one after another into the countryside to make house calls. When Luo and his bunch came back to our team base, they discovered all my things were gone. They asked the team captain if he had seen Wang Er. The team captain said, "Who's Wang Er? Never heard of him." Luo said, "Only a few days ago, you held a struggle session against him. That sharp-tongued old woman hit him with a stool and almost killed him." Having been reminded of such, the team leader had even more trouble remembering who I was. A Beijing youth visitation committee was coming to investigate the conditions of the Bejing youth sent down, particularly about whether anyone was being bound and forced into marriage. Because of this, the team leader had even less desire to remember me. Luo then went to Team No. 15 and asked Chen Qinyang if she had seen me. He hesitantly hinted that she and I had had an improper relationship. Chen answered that she didn't know anything about it. |
陈清扬说，有时候她走出房门，往后山上看，看到山丘中有很多小路婉蜒通到深山里去。我对她说的话言犹在耳。她知道沿着一条路走进山去，就会找到我。这是无可怀疑的事。但是越是无可怀疑的事就越值得怀疑。很可能那条路不通到任何地方，很可能王二不在山里，很可能王二根本就不存在。过了几天，罗小四带了几个人到医院去找我。医院里没人听说过王二，更没人知道他上哪儿去了。那时节医院里肝炎流行，没染上肝炎的病人都回家去疗养，大夫也纷纷下队去送医上门，罗小四等人回到队里，发现我的东西都不见了，就去问队长可见过王二。队长说谁是王二？从来没听说过。罗小四说前几天你还开会斗争过他，尖嘴婆打了他一板凳，差点把他打死。这样提醒了以后，队长就更想不起来我是谁了。那时节有一个北京知青慰问团要来调查知青在下面的情况，尤其是有无被捆打逼婚等情况，因此队长更不乐意想起我来。罗小四又到十五队问陈清扬可曾见过我，还闪烁其词地暗示她和我有过不正当的关系。陈清扬则表示，她对此一无所知。 |
| After Luo Xiaosi left, Chen Qingyang was perplexed. It seemed that many were saying that Wang Er didn't exist. That's what made it so puzzling. If everyone said something existed, it must exist because everything in front of one's eyes was a lie. What everyone said did not exist must exist. For example, suppose Wang Er didn't exist, then where's the name Wang Er from? Finally, Chen couldn't hold back her curiosity. She put down everything and came up the mountain to find me. | 等到罗小四离开，陈清扬就开始糊涂了。看来有很多人说，王二不存在。这件事叫人困惑的原因就在这里。大家都说存在的东西一定不存在，这是因为眼前的一切都是骗局。大家都说不存在的东西一定存在，比如王二，假如他不存在，这个名字是从哪里来的？陈清扬按捺不住好奇心，终于扔下一切，上山来找我来了。 |
| After I was hit with a stool by the sharp-tongued old woman and fell unconscious, one time Chen Qingyan rushed down the mountain to see me. At the time, she even couldn't hold back her tears and said in front of everyone that if I didn't recover, she would take care of me for the rest of my life. But I didn't die and wasn't even paralyzed. This was great news for me, but it didn't make Chen Qingyang happy. It was as if she had revealed in front of everyone that she was a tramp. If I had died or had been paralyzed, then she would have been right to do so. But I got out of the hospital after only a week. To her, I was that figure she had chased away from the mountain, someone in her memory. She didn't want to make love with me and didn't want to have an affair with me, unless for a very important reason. Thus, she was really behaving like a tramp by coming up to see me. | 我被尖嘴婆打了一板凳后晕了过去，陈清扬曾经从山上跑下来看我。当时她还忍不住哭了起来，并且当众说，如果我好不了要照顾我一辈子。结果我并没有死，连瘫都没瘫，这对我是很好的事，可是陈清扬并不喜欢。这等于当众暴露了她是破鞋。假如我死，或是瘫掉，就是应该的事，可是我在医院里只住了一个星期就跑出来。对她来说，我就是那个急匆匆从山上赶下去的背影，一个记忆中的人。她并不想和我做爱，也不想和我搞破鞋，除非有重大的原因。因此她来找我就是真正的破鞋行径。 |
| Chen Qingyang says when she decided to come up the mountain to look for me, she didn't wear anything underneath her white gown. Just like that she crossed over the hillocks behind Team No. 15. Grass grew all over those small hills. Red dirt lied beneath the grass. In the morning, wind blew down into flat embankment from the mountain top, making it as cold as the water up in the mountain. In the afternoon, the wind blew in the reverse direction, carrying with it dry heat and dust. When Chen Qingyang came to see me, she had the white wind behind her. The wind squeezed in beneath her dress, flowing past her body, like caresses and kisses. In reality, she didn't need me and didn't need to find me. Before when people said that she was a tramp and that I was her wild man, she came everyday to see me. It was probably necessary then. Since she revealed in front of everyone that she was a tramp and that I was her man, nobody called her a tramp any more and nobody mentioned Wang Er to her any more (except Luo Xiaosi). Everyone was afraid of this open and outright tramp behavior. They became even too afraid to talk about it. | 陈清扬说，她决定上山找我时，在白大褂底下什么都没穿。她就这样走过十五队后面的那片山包。那些小山上长满了草，草下是红土。上午风从山上往平坝里吹，冷得像山上的水，下午风吹回来，带着燥热和尘土。陈清扬来找我时，乘着白色的风。风从衣服下面钻进来，流过全身，好像爱抚和嘴唇。其实她不需要我，也没必要找到我。以前人家说她是破鞋，说我是她的野汉子时，她每天都来找我。那时好像有必要，自从她当众暴露了她是破鞋，我是她的野汉子后，再没人说她是破鞋，更没人在她面前提到王二（除了罗小四）。大家对这种明火执杖的破鞋行径是如此的害怕，以致连说都不敢啦。 |
| As for the team from Beijing that came down to observe the sent-down city youth, all locals knew about it. Only I didn't know. That was because I was herding cattles in the days prior, leaving early and returning late. Plus, my reputation was not good. Nobody would tell me anything. Later when I was in the hospital, nobody came to visit, either. After leaving the hospital, I immediately went into the deep part of the mountain. Before I went into the mountain, I had seen only a total of two people. One was Chen Qingyang. The other was the team leader, who didn't tell me about it, either, but told me to go to recover at the hotspring. I told him I didn't have anything (food, cooking utensils, etc.) and thus couldn't go to the hotspring. He said he could lend them to me. I said I might not return them if I borrowed them. He said no problem. So I borrowed from him a good amount of cured meat and sausages. | 关于北京要来人视察知青的事，当地每个人都知道，只有我不知道。这是因为我前些日子在放牛，早出晚归，而且名声不好，谁也不告诉找，后来住了院，也没人来看找。等到我出院以后，就进了深山。在我进山之前，总共就见到了两个人，一个是陈清扬，她没有告诉我这件事。另一个是我们队长，他也没说起这件事，只叫我去温泉养病。我告诉他，我没有东西（食品炊具等等），所以不能去温泉。他说他可以借给我。我说我借了不一定还，他说不要紧。我就向他借了不少家制的腊肉和香肠。 |
| Chen Qingyang didn't tell me about Bejing team because she didn't pay attention to it. She wasn't a sent-down city youth herself. The team leader didn't tell me about it because he thought I had already knew. He also thought because I taken so much food with me, I wasn't coming back. Thus, when Luo Xiaosi asked him where Wang Er went, he said, "Wang Er? Who's Wang Er? Never heard of him." For Luo Xiaosi and others, there was a great benefit in finding me. I could prove that everyone here received terrible treatment, often beaten unconscious. For the leaders, my non-existence provided a great benefit. It could show that there was no sent-down city youth who was beaten unconscious. For me, existing or not existing wasn't that important. If nobody came to find me, I could grow some corn nearby and could live forever without coming out. Because of this, I didn't care whether I existed or not. | 陈清扬不告诉我这件事是因为她不关心，她不是知青，队长不告诉我这件事，是因为他以为我已经知道了。他还以为我拿了很多吃的东西走，就不会再回来。所以罗小四问他王二到哪儿去了时，他说：王二？谁叫王二？从没听说过。对于罗小四等人来说，找到我有很大的好处，我可以证明大家在此地受到很坏的待遇，经常被打晕。对于领导来说，我不存在有很大的便利，可以说明此地没有一个知青被打晕。对于我自己来说，存在不存在没有很大的关系。假如没有人来找我，我在附近种点玉米，可以永远不出来。就因为这个原因，我对自己存不存在的事不太关心。 |
| In the small hut, I also thought about whether or not I existed. If people said that Chen Qingyang and I were having an affair, it would prove my existence. To use the words of Luo Xiaosi, Wang Er and Chen Qingyang took down their pants and did it. He didn't actually see it. His imagination was limited to our taking down our pants. There was also Chen Qingyang saying that when I went down the mountain, I was wearing a yellow army uniform and walked incredibly fast. I didn't know myself that I walked without turning around. Because I never thought of these things, this proves that I exist. | 我在小屋里也想过自己存不存在的问题。比方说，别人说我和陈清扬搞破鞋，这就是存在的证明。用罗小四的话来说，王二和陈清扬脱了裤子干。其实他也没看见。他想像的极限就是我们脱裤子。还有陈清扬说，我从山上下来，穿着黄军装，走得飞快。我自己并不知道我走路是不回头的。因为这些事我无从想像，所以是我存在的证明。 |
| There was also the erectness of my little monk. This was not something I imagined. I always waited for Chen Qingyang to come to see me, but she never came. I was no longer waiting for her when she did come. | 还有我的小和尚直挺挺，这件事也不是我想出来的。我始终盼着陈清扬来看我，但陈清扬始终没有来。她来的时候，我没有盼着她来。 |